Future that so close yet so far

Sometime (recently most of the time) I think I have many unaccomplished things to do, my currently  lifestyles and work is stopping me from doing all this so call things that I want to do. I feel that if I quit my jobs that secure my current living lifestyles, i will get the freedom that i always wanted. However i worry i can't survive 1 day outside without social security like monthly pay and place to stay. I must find myself a safety net that will catch me if i fail. after all is either i finally get the freedom or i get back to existing life that killing my creativity, which i really hate to come back for same thing that i don't like.

Corporate lifestyles really not suitable for me, ironically i have climbing corporate ladder for almost 20 years, but not very successful consider my current pay and my current position, :) but i will like to comfort myself that i am leaving this shit hole next year, i am leaving all this behind soon.

Still i still stucked here. I wished i have other alternative, i wish i had someone there to help me, but no, not 1 soul that wiling come to my rescue. i have to rescue myself, and after all, when i died, i will be alone, by myself. So i need to be strong and stay strong.

Sometime i ask myself, if i am not doing what i am doing today, what will I do? i have no idea, but i know i dont like all this, i just want to get away. I m just running away. you can say i am coward, running away from reality, a person that want to stay in her dreamland and doesnt want to wake up. So what after all may be all this while i m not successful is because i am not the most suitable job. When you ask a cat to do a dog job, it will definately fail, right?

I have about 6 mths to 1 year more to do the last fight, i really hope i can really get away this time. 1 year, after this i wont try anymore because i know i will be wasting my time to start all over again.

I have to go find my life mission while i am still young. I dont want to waste time in all this small matter anymore, may be i meant to do the big things, i restricted my life by just staying here.

I want to travel the world and see many things, exploring, adventure and learn many things.

Never got a chance to say Goodbye!

Today just saw the news in MRT that Paul Walker dies. Just like that. Without a goodbye. He even told someone that he will see him in 5.

Ya it is so sad, but life is so short, yet i am still here. I still don't know what i want. I am still searching.

Sometime I wonder what i will do if i know that i will dies tomorrow. Would i make different decision and take different path?

What happen to Paul Walker could happen to me as well.

It could be a plan crash, it could be car crash, it could be drowning. I still have many things that i havent accomplished, I still have many personal things to do. I still have many places i havent visited.

This is a wake up call for me.

I don't want to waste anymore of my life.