Future that so close yet so far

Sometime (recently most of the time) I think I have many unaccomplished things to do, my currently  lifestyles and work is stopping me from doing all this so call things that I want to do. I feel that if I quit my jobs that secure my current living lifestyles, i will get the freedom that i always wanted. However i worry i can't survive 1 day outside without social security like monthly pay and place to stay. I must find myself a safety net that will catch me if i fail. after all is either i finally get the freedom or i get back to existing life that killing my creativity, which i really hate to come back for same thing that i don't like.

Corporate lifestyles really not suitable for me, ironically i have climbing corporate ladder for almost 20 years, but not very successful consider my current pay and my current position, :) but i will like to comfort myself that i am leaving this shit hole next year, i am leaving all this behind soon.

Still i still stucked here. I wished i have other alternative, i wish i had someone there to help me, but no, not 1 soul that wiling come to my rescue. i have to rescue myself, and after all, when i died, i will be alone, by myself. So i need to be strong and stay strong.

Sometime i ask myself, if i am not doing what i am doing today, what will I do? i have no idea, but i know i dont like all this, i just want to get away. I m just running away. you can say i am coward, running away from reality, a person that want to stay in her dreamland and doesnt want to wake up. So what after all may be all this while i m not successful is because i am not the most suitable job. When you ask a cat to do a dog job, it will definately fail, right?

I have about 6 mths to 1 year more to do the last fight, i really hope i can really get away this time. 1 year, after this i wont try anymore because i know i will be wasting my time to start all over again.

I have to go find my life mission while i am still young. I dont want to waste time in all this small matter anymore, may be i meant to do the big things, i restricted my life by just staying here.

I want to travel the world and see many things, exploring, adventure and learn many things.

Never got a chance to say Goodbye!

Today just saw the news in MRT that Paul Walker dies. Just like that. Without a goodbye. He even told someone that he will see him in 5.

Ya it is so sad, but life is so short, yet i am still here. I still don't know what i want. I am still searching.

Sometime I wonder what i will do if i know that i will dies tomorrow. Would i make different decision and take different path?

What happen to Paul Walker could happen to me as well.

It could be a plan crash, it could be car crash, it could be drowning. I still have many things that i havent accomplished, I still have many personal things to do. I still have many places i havent visited.

This is a wake up call for me.

I don't want to waste anymore of my life.

When I have a team

When I have a team at my back, i m stronger.

But leaving them is a painful thing.

Yes, when you have a team, anything is possible because you are not only you, but you have everyone on your back, you are stronger, supported by everyone.

Every moment is exciting, every hours is fun and enjoyable. We can try out anything, everything, we can be brave, we can talk about anything, we share our knowledge, we share our fun moment, we gossip, we tell everyone everything on our mind, we don't keep secret among ourselves.

They have been my family member all this while, i love them and want to stay together with them,

But leaving all them becoming the toughest, heart broken moment for me. I want to continue staying with them, but i have outgrown this. I need a bigger playground. I need to move on.

I promise them i will definately come back to them, but in my heart i know this is quite impossible. Once I move to the bigger game, i can't and unable to come back for them.

But detaching from them so painful, like a piece of my flesh is leaving me, it hurts.

What i want to do in life?

When I am still a young student in primary school, teacher ask me what I want to do in life, I can't remember what I told her then, but i guess what I always want to do in life got nothing to do with my wishes.

Even now when I am at my mid-life crisis, again this questions pop in my head, what I want to do in life, since I already used up almost all my time.

Then I am think what if I can go back to 17 or 18 years old again? will I get different results? Will I be what I am today? Will I be happy with my life?

You may ask whether I am not happy with my current life?Do I really want to change anything? Why won't I change it now?

两个相对的我！

为什么我现在感到沮丧, 悲哀和自我抱怨？

我很不开心。

我不是很清楚最近的情绪波动是什么原因，是荷尔蒙吗？我快中年危机了吗？

我每天烦恼是如何让自己再快乐起来。有时我感到自己完全失去生命的动力，不知道自己打拼的目标是什么。

是因为单身太久了吗？没有家人，没有牵挂，随时可以离开，没有任何负担，是这样吗？

我本来因该开心才对啊！没有任何负担和牵挂肯定是值得开心的事吧？

现在的我可以是事业有成，上司赏识，下属崇拜。我还有什么好不开心？